


Working On It

by autumnmycat



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Anxiety, Dating, Depression, F/F, Idk it's probs just gonna be hella gay, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 21:51:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnmycat/pseuds/autumnmycat
Summary: Pearl has never dated anyone, much less a human (the concept of dating is purely a human construct, anyway). But, she's determined to make her relationship with Sheena work, even if it means having to show her the parts of herself that she would rather keep hidden.





	1. Midnight

**Author's Note:**

> Give Pearl a gf 2k16

They laid in bed together, Pearl curled around the bigger woman, head pressed into her mountain of pink hair. Breathing in, Pearl noted that she smelled like cigarettes, bubble gum, and the night sky. This was probably from spending too much time on her motorized bicycle, she decided.

This arrangement they had was interesting because Pearl didn’t need to sleep, but Sheena did.

It wasn’t like she minded, though. She liked watching her small breaths that caused her chest to rise and fall. She played with her hair, gently twirling the pigmented strands around her fingers. The way her hair wrapped around, it kind of looked like the vines that had taken over Rose’s garden. 

With a deep sigh, she whispered, “Rose…”

It was more of a moment of resignation than anything else. She was moving on.

(Although, a part of her felt like she could never fully move on. Or maybe she just wasn’t there yet. It had only been a blink of an eye since she died when compared to the thousands of years she lived.) 

Pearl hadn’t expected her to turn over.

“Rose?” Sheena mumbled, voice hoarse with sleep.

“Oh! You’re awake!”

“You were tickling me, heh.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.” 

Even though it had been a while since they started seeing each other, Pearl was always amazed at her beauty. The moonlight that came through the window illuminated her face. Her pink hair was wild and messy, eyes glowing like the finest emeralds. Pearl found that her face had grown warm. A turquoise flush painted her cheeks.

If Sheena noticed, she chose not to comment. 

“What do roses have to do with anything?”

Pearl breathed in deeply and laughed nervously, “Oh, nothing, just your hair is the color of pink roses.”

“Hm.”

Was that answer not satisfactory? It was true, wasn’t it?

“You like my hair color a lot.” It was a statement more than anything.

“Y-Yes, I think it’s quite lovely. I’ve never seen a human with pink hair before.” 

“So, that means you’ve seen…aliens with pink hair?”

Pearl froze. They had not touched on the “alien space rock” thing very much. 

“Yes.”

“Oh.” 

She should have just kept her mouth shut, but Pearl felt obligated to be somewhat truthful. Good relationships are based on communication, right? 

“Steven’s mother had pink hair.”

“Had? What happened to her?” Sheena’s tone had flattened as they were talking. It made Pearl nervous.

( _Please don’t leave me._ )

“She gave up her physical form to have a child. To have Steven.”

Her eyes were very intense as they looked at Pearl.

“So, she died?” 

“More or less.”

Sheena changed her gaze to the ceiling.

“That sucks. Do you miss her?”

With another sigh, Pearl admitted, “Yes, every day. But, it’s getting easier.”

She decided to leave out the part about being hopelessly in love with her because she felt like that was too much too soon. She couldn’t bear the thought that she might scare her away.

“Come here,” Sheena said, turning so she could pull Pearl into her chest. The side of Pearl’s face sank into the fabric of her vintage t-shirt. It smelled like detergent. She could feel her heartbeat, feel that warmth that humans generated with their primitive metabolisms. “Sorry you have to deal with death and stuff like that. I’m getting the sense y’all don’t die off too easily.”

“Not at all. Gems can live for centuries! It’s pretty much unheard of for a gem to die without their gems shattering.”

Green eyes looked down at her. A large finger moved to trace the edge of the pearl in the middle of her forehead. Pearl shivered, tiny fluttering breaths escaping at the sensation.

“This keeps you alive, huh?”

“Y-Yes.” That turquoise flush was back in full force. Sheena smirked.

“Cute.”

Pearl laughed nervously. “I suppose. It’s more practical for space fairing races than human physiology.” 

“No, nerd, I’m talking about you.”

She leaned down and kissed her gem. Pearl’s fingers tightened their grip on the cotton of her shirt. Sheena noticed. She was very observant.

“Sensitive, are we?”

More nervous giggles.

“N-Not particularly, but I suppose our gems have to be reactive to sensations so we’re aware of potential dangers.” 

“Good to know.” 

Pearl was not sure why that information would be useful to humans, but she figured that she was just trying to understand Pearl better. 

“You should sleep. Humans need their rest.”

“Right, because you don’t.” 

“I _can_ sleep, but I don’t do it often. I'm not particularly fond of the dreaming aspect.”

“Well, why don’t you give it another try? You might like it. Sleeping’s more fun when you do it with someone you like.”

“Is that so?”

(Pearl’s insides squealed at the idea that a beautiful girl such as Sheena would even entertain the idea that she liked her.)

“Yep. Why don’t you try it out?”

“Well, alright. If you insist.” 

It turns out, Sheena was right.

 


	2. Vinegar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl and Sheena get drunk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you lisa for being the beta for this chapter (and if there's mistakes it's not her fault because i edited it after too) el oh el

Humans do this weird thing called, “going on dates,” and Sheena was quite fond of taking Pearl out to do things. Pearl preferred the dates that didn’t include eating as the primary objective, but she was trying her best to be accommodating since she was well aware that humans required sustenance.

But, when Sheena texted Pearl (on Steven’s phone) and asked if she wanted to get some drinks, Pearl was not sure what she had in mind.

(Drinks? What kind of drinks? She seemed to be fairly fond of coffee, if her original trip to the Big Donut was any indication. Juice, maybe? Humans had so many drinks that she couldn’t help but think that Sheena was being irresponsibly vague.)

She was afraid to ask her to clarify because she didn’t want to sound stupid, so she agreed.

Pearl had not expected Sheena to invite her to a bar.

It was stuffy with smoke (Pearl silently thanked the stars that she wasn’t required to breathe for survival), it was not well lit, and it was loud (humans seemed to get progressively louder the more “drinks” they consumed).

“This isn’t really ‘ _my_ _crowd_ ,’” Pearl admitted, as they sat at the bar. She had heard Sheena use the term before to describe the humans that she hung out with. She still wasn’t sure if she was using it correctly.

“Well, it’s a good thing you wore that jacket again because you blend right in.”

Yes, Amethyst had insisted she wear the jean/jacket combo again once she caught wind of where her date was going to be.

“I don’t know…”

“We don’t have to stay if you don’t want. But, you look cool.”

Pearl swallowed, trying to get the lump in her throat to go down. It didn’t.

“C-Cool?”

“Yeah,” Sheena grinned, wrapping a hand around Pearl’s waist. “I’ve got a cool girlfriend.”

“G-Girlfriend?!”

“Yeah, is that okay with you?”

Pearl’s entire body must have been bright blue because it felt like she had burst into flames.

“O-Oh, goodness! Of course, it’s okay! I-I just didn’t think that’s how you felt, I—”

“I mean, why else would I keep hanging out with you if I didn’t think you were pretty great?”

Sheena’s grin was wide. Pearl wasn’t sure what she did to deserve such a creature.

“Can I get you a drink?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I don’t really—”

“I know you don’t like ‘consuming’ anything,” she hooked her fingers to make air quotations, “but alcohol is fun. Makes you feel good. Well, most of the time. As long as you take it easy. And, I can get you something that tastes like juice.”

Pearl thought about it. She did not enjoy the process of consuming food or drink, but she had enjoyed that apple juice the one time, and she had tried tea once at Sheena’s apartment, and it wasn’t so bad. Alcohol, on the other hand, she had never tried. She only saw Greg have beer a handful of times, but it smelled weird, so she never thought to try any.

She figured, what’s the worst that can happen?

“I guess since I’m _cool_ , I should keep expanding my horizons.”

“Heh, that’s the spirit.”

 

* * *

 

Pearl held the plastic cup filled with…well, something. It was light pink, some type of juice mixed with some type of alcoholic beverage. She couldn’t tell what type of juice it was, and she was too embarrassed  to ask.

It did not taste exactly like juice, but it was sweet enough that she could choke it down fairly easily.

“How do you like it?” Sheena asked, taking a small sip of deep-golden liquor. It smelled vile.

“It’s alright. I can’t say I’ve ever had anything like it.”

“It’s a Cosmopolitan. Cranberry juice, triple sec, vodka, lime. It’s not my thing, but it’s tasty, at least.”

Pearl did not know what half of those words meant, but she’d take her word for it.

( _Note to self: look up ‘alcoholic beverages’ on the Internet, later._ )

 

* * *

 

Sheena said that Pearl should feel “good” after consuming alcohol, but even on the second drink, Pearl felt nothing. Well, she felt content and like she was having fun, but that was how she usually felt around her.

Sheena, however, seemed to be acting a little weird. She looked distracted, and she was laughing and talking a lot more.

“You’re pretty,” Sheena smiled.

Pearl leaned on the bar because she was “cool.”

“Oh, heh, goodness. Thank you. You’re very pretty, too.”

“Yeah, I know, because you tell me all the time.”

“Well, it’s true! You are quite beautiful.”

Pearl didn’t really consider herself “pretty,” at least not in the way that humans defined aesthetic beauty. Yes, it was true that pearls in general were considered to be decorative status symbols back on Homeworld, but she had abandoned that ideology so many thousands of years ago that she couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be prized for her ornamental value.

Sheena seemed to notice that Pearl was thinking long and hard about something. Not a usual bar activity.

“Hey, why the long face?”

Pearl tilted her head, a bit surprised that she had been called out of her thoughts.

“Wha—I have a long face? Is it longer than most humans?”

Sheena blinked.

“No, I—” She didn’t realize how few human colloquialisms Pearl actually knew. “I just meant, why do you look so sad? I said you were pretty.”

“I don’t usually get told that.”

“Really? I’m honestly surprised.” She reached over and tucked a bit of Pearl’s peach hair behind her ear. “Your hair’s killin’ it. And your eyes kind of glow a little bit, and like, I’m not even being metaphorical—they actually glow. It’s super fucking cool. Also, you’re just—like—pretty. And, you’re hella smart and stuff. So, I don’t know what people are doing because they’re missing out. I think you’re majorly cool.”

It was weird because she had never heard anyone, not even the rest of the Crystal Gems, talk about her like that. Rose never said anything quite so specific, so honest, so authentic (and never attempted to have an exclusive relationship with her even though Pearl would have literally died for that to happen). It struck a chord deep in her physical projection. She felt her eyes burn.

Sheena froze at Pearl’s glassy eyes, hands going up defensively.

“Oh, shit. I didn’t mean that in any sort of way,” Sheena said, worry making her words come out too quickly. “Don’t cry—what did I say?”

Pearl sniffed and rubbed away a stray tear.

“Oh, no, no. Sorry. I—um,” she mumbled, forcing herself to laugh to cover up her instinctual emotional reaction. “It’s just—that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

She could see a weird expression flick across Sheena’s face. She reached out and hugged Pearl, her arms surrounding her.

“You’re really fucking great, Pearl.”

“Oh, heh, such language.”

“What can I say? I just really mean it.”

She released her, and then Pearl cleared her throat.

“C-Can, I—uh, get another drink?”

 

* * *

 

It was karaoke night at the bar.

“Ever done this before?” Sheena asked, flipping through the song binder absentmindedly.

“Not really. Although, I am quite good at singing, if I do say so myself.”

Pearl had heard of the concept of karaoke before, but she had never participated, mostly because she had never been to an establishment that had it. Although, she was very familiar with the art of performance having studied it extensively, so the idea seemed exciting.

(She also desperately wanted to show Sheena that she was actually cool.)

She took a sip of her third cosmopolitan. She still felt nothing.

“Shouldn’t I be feeling, um, different by now?” Pearl asked, inspecting her cup as if it may be defective.

Sheena looked up at her, her lips pressed together tightly as if she was holding back a laugh.

“I mean, probably? I dunno. Maybe you have a high tolerance or something.”

Pearl shrugged, putting down the drink on the table.

“I guess I never even thought about if alcohol can affect gems.”

Sheena could no longer hold back her laughter. She threw her head back, laughing a little too loudly. (Humans get loud in bars.)

“I did not say anything funny,” Pearl huffed.

“No, no! Oh, man, I’m sorry,” Sheena said, still recovering from her fit of laughter. “I just—I keep forgetting you’re literally an alien. I’m literally on a date with an _alien._ Like shit, I don’t really know anything about you, do I?”

“Not especially. There’s a lot you have to learn about gems.”

Why did she feel like she was lecturing Steven?

“Yer right. Good thing I like spending time with you.”

Pearl was beginning to realize that she never blushed more in her entire life than when she was around her. Well, blushing is more of a human characteristic, anyway.

“The feeling is mutual.”

“Well, good! I would hate if it weren’t.”

It dawned on her that Sheena probably had never had someone turn her down before.

(Or use her to fight their battles, or tell her that they were going to spend the rest of their lives together and not mean it, or leave her for some stupid human man and then _die_ —)

Her thoughts were turning sour.

( _Don’t think about her now._ )

Sheena didn’t seem to notice this time.

“Do you have your song picked out?”

Pearl, once again, snapped out of her rapidly devolving thought processes.

“Oh, yes, I do. Do you?”

“Yeah. So all you have to do is write the song down on a piece of paper with your name—” she held up a piece of sloppily cut blue construction paper and put it in Pearl’s hand, “—and give it to that guy up by the stage.”

“Alright.”

Pearl carefully wrote out her choice in elegant, loopy cursive, but the effect was a bit lost because the piece of paper was by no means symmetrical in any sense of the word.

She was too embarrassed by the state of the paper to bring it up to the man working the karaoke machine, so she made Sheena do it for her. Luckily, she thought it was cute and not annoying like Pearl thought she might think it was.

 

* * *

 

Pearl decided that drinking anymore was useless because even after three drinks, she did not feel any change in her mental state or her physical ability.

Sheena, however, was—as the humans would put it—trashed.

After a combination of mixed drinks and her bar buddies buying her small single-serving glasses that they drank together, she was acting very different than she usually did.

She had been noticing it all night, so it wasn’t all that surprising, but no one had told Pearl that humans lose their ability to conduct appropriate behavior after too much alcohol.

“—So, I was listening to Steven explain the various thematic inconsistencies of Crying Breakfast Friends when Amethyst barged into the kitchen and—”

Pearl had been so focused on what she was saying that she hadn’t noticed Sheena had scooted closer. She also had not noticed that she was leaning into her until their lips met.

She jolted in her seat, tensing up in surprise. Her body had caught on fire again. Pearl pulled away.

“Goodness! I wasn’t done with my story.”

“I know, but I was too distracted by how cute you were.”

Before Pearl could say anything, large fingers tilted her chin upward, and she went in for another kiss. Compared to how she usually was, she was sloppy, teeth clinking. She seemed unusually needy. Pearl wasn’t sure how she felt about this change in her demeanor or her loss of technique, but she couldn’t quite be mad about it.

“Is Pearl still in the house?” a man said over the microphone.

She pulled away again, her head snapping towards the karaoke set up.

“Oh! That’s me!” Jumping up, she looked between Sheena and the stage. “Oh, sorry, I have to go up now.”

Sheena snorted, hazy eyes looking at her affectionately. “What are you saying sorry for? Go blow everyone out of the water.”

“I shall,” Pearl nodded.

 

* * *

 

After the both of them sang their respective songs (Sheena sang “Barracuda” while Pearl chose “Take Me Home Tonight”), they decided to call it a day. Or, a night, more accurately.

Pearl had to be the one to take her home that night because Pearl could tell Sheena could not operate any vehicles without endangering herself or others. Good thing her motorized bicycle was pretty simple to figure out. It also was nice that she had a pair of arms wrapped around her waist. 

 

* * *

 

They got lunch the next day (they would have gone for breakfast, but Sheena slept in past two).

By Sheena’s apartment, there was a small café where “all the hipsters go,” according to her. Pearl wasn’t sure what that meant, but it was nice. Sheena got a breakfast sandwich and a small salad and lots of coffee. She insisted they split it even though Pearl wasn’t too up to the idea.

Pearl was pecking at the salad when Sheena asked, “Did you have fun last night?”

“Oh, sure,” Pearl said after she was done chewing. “It seemed you were having a more exciting night than I was, but it was enjoyable.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. Didn’t realize you couldn’t get drunk.”

There really wasn’t anything too awful about it. It just seemed like she was overthinking everything. Sheena seemed like she wasn’t. It wasn’t a huge deal or anything.

(Although, a part of her was slightly disappointed that she felt nothing at all from the alcohol. She had always been interested in what the earth had to offer, and not being able to experience something that someone she cared about was—it wasn’t the greatest feeling in the world. But, she had been through worse.)

“That’s alright. Neither did I until it was much too late.” She took another bite of salad. “Goodness, whatever this is—well, it’s quite delicious. What’s in it?”

Sipping her coffee, Sheena raised an eyebrow.

“Um, I don’t know. Leaves? Dressing? It’s just a salad.”

“Hm,” Pearl hummed. “Do you mind if I have this?”

“Knock yourself out.”

"Why would I do that?" she asked, tilting her head and looking mildly concerned.

"Just—yes, you can have it, Pearl."

Munching on the leaves and dressing, Pearl continued. “I was impressed by your ability to sing while so compromised.”

The other girl burst out laughing, almost choking on her coffee.

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not.”

“Oh no, it is. You were quite unlike yourself, and I was a bit worried.”

“Have you ever been around a drunk person before?”

“I can’t say I have.”

“Heh, sorry. Last night was probably weird, then.”

“Oh no, it’s fine.”

Pearl put down her fork and sighed deeply. She hadn’t felt that content in years. Maybe she should consider trying more foods.

“I mean, I thought your singing was killer, but as you said, I was compromised, so I’m not sure.”

A giggle bubbled inside Pearl’s chest. It was much sharper than she intended. She almost lost her balance because she couldn’t stop laughing.

“Oh dear, well, I sing quite frequently, so I’m _sure_ you’ll hear me again,” she said, smiling widely. “And, could you get me another one of those, what do you call them, salads? Wait, I think I have some change.”

Sheena watched in a sort of muted horror as Pearl reached into her gem and pulled out a five-dollar bill.

“Whoa, that’s a trick.”

Pearl giggled again.

“I forgot that wasn’t a thing humans could do. Oops.”

One of the other tables stared at them. Pearl flashed them a smile.

Once she ordered and obtained her second salad, Pearl found it was difficult to stop talking.

“Do you get a lot of compliments on your hair?” Pearl asked, shoveling her food in her mouth.

Sheena looked at her skeptically. For someone who hated to eat, she was really going for it.

“Actually, yeah. It’s weird. Even kids who are alternative seem to love to point out my hair is pink. Like, yeah, I know—I dyed it myself. But, you were cute, asking me how I did it and stuff.”

“Honestly, I have no idea how to talk to humans most of the time. Amethyst said I should talk to you, but I was awful at it and knocked all those cups over.”

The memory made her cringe.

( _Good job._ )

“Oh yeah,” she snickered, “that was a little rough.”

( _How is this news to you?_ )

Pearl breathed in deeply as if that would get her thoughts to stop bugging her.

(As if that would help. As if that would get her to stop talking.)

“Yes, I’ve never been good at,” she paused, trying to find the right word, “subtleties.”

Sheena looked like she was biting back words. Pearl knew that expression well.

(Pearl could remember pink lips curling in a way that made her believe she was pitying her. She would have never allowed herself to believe it _back then_ , but in retrospect, she gave off an aura of superiority that existed to drive her down farther into the depths of self-doubting. And, she couldn’t help but let herself believe that she did it on purpose.)

Pearl was disgusted at herself because, for a moment, she hated Sheena for wearing that same expression.

“What?” Pearl asked.

“What what?” she responded, eyebrows raising.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

She looked uncomfortable for a split second, and then, she recovered, shrugging her shoulders.

“No, I was just thinking that you’re right. Subtlety isn’t your thing, but it’s not mine either, so it’s not like I can say anything.”

Pearl didn’t know how to respond. She disagreed wholeheartedly, for one thing. Sheena was so cool and so calm that Pearl had no idea how to even attempt to emulate her. But, also, a part of her didn’t believe that was it.

(A part of her was convinced she wanted nothing to do with her.)

Pearl pushed her empty plate away.

She tried not to let her own hang-ups cloud her perception of reality, but for whatever reason, she was having a hard time redirecting her thoughts away from the other pink haired woman in her life.

(Like she wasn’t always on the back of her mind.)

“Pearl,” Sheena said. Why did she always know when Pearl was being engulfed by her thoughts?

“Hmm?”

“You look upset.”

( _Yeah, well, you would be upset too if you just couldn’t_ move on _no matter what you did._ )

A part of her wanted to say something, wanted to bring it up, but the moment she opened her mouth, her words were immediately sucked back in by a black hole located deep inside herself.

(She wasn’t ready to talk about it.)

“Sorry.” It was all she had to offer.

“About what?”

Pearl felt like she was crumbling under her stare. She didn’t know why she was apologizing. She just felt like she should.

She shrugged, looking down at her empty plate. She still couldn’t believe she ate _food._

Sheena was obviously at a loss, having no idea what was happening to change Pearl’s demeanor.

“I mean, you knocked a couple of cups over, no big deal. The timing just wasn’t right. It happens.”

Pearl’s eyes flicked up to meet Sheena’s. Pearl was back. She had said the right thing.

“Heh, yeah, that’s what I said.”

(Her head kind of felt funny.)

“But, hey, you got up the nerve to talk to me at the show. That’s super cool. And, I’m glad you did.”

This caused Pearl to beam, her old enthusiasm bounding back.

“Oh, yes, I simply couldn’t help myself. I thought you were so beautiful, and Steven thought I liked you because you look like Rose, but a person would have to be blind to say that you aren’t gorgeous.”

She didn’t realize her mistake until Sheena’s face contorted.

“Who’s Rose?”

“Oh.”

Pearl became very pale. What was wrong with her? She would never have said that normally. She did not normally drop Rose’s name in casual conversation, especially not when she was specifically trying to refrain from mentioning Rose _completely_.

( _What an idiot._ )

“Pearl?”

“O-Oh. Oh dear. Oh, I’m so sorry, I did not mean to say that.”

Her head felt weird. Clouded. Detached from herself. She felt like there was crackling between her ears.

“Pearl, is Rose someone I should know about?” She didn’t say it in a tone that would indicate she was upset, but Pearl was plenty upset for the both of them.

Busted.

“I-I should really go. Garnet must be needing me by now.”

But, when Pearl went to stand, she did not expect her vision to twist and turn. She stumbled, almost falling down completely, but she had enough wits about her to catch her balance in time.

She stood there, frozen.

“O-Oh, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Sheena took this as a signal that they should leave, especially since everyone was staring. She took the gem by the arm and lead her outside, thankful that they had paid in advance.

They walked along the one-way street in the direction of Sheena’s apartment.

“Pearl, are you okay?” she asked once they were far enough away from the café to not cause another scene.

Pearl wanted to say something to make it all go away, but her mind was too addled to do so. Instead, she did the only other thing she could think of—bursting into tears.

Sheena froze. Like in the bar, Pearl was crying for no apparent reason, and she didn’t know what to do.

“Pearl? Shh, it’s okay, Pearl. Don’t cry, it’s okay. I’m not mad.”

It sort of sounded like Pearl was apologizing again, but it was too hard to tell because of her tears.

“Hey,” she murmured, pulling her into an embrace and stroking her hair. “Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you.”

The emotion flooding out of Pearl was unusual and didn’t make any sense in the context of the situation. But, there wasn’t a lot she could do, so she just let her fingers play in her hair and let Pearl get it all out of her system.

It took a while, but she eventually did calm down enough to speak.

Pearl clutched her tighter when she said, “There’s s-something wrong with me. Everything feels weird. I can’t think.”

“That’s not good. Are you sick?”

“I-I don’t know. I felt fine this morning.”

“I mean, you were eating pretty fast. Maybe your body isn’t used to it?”

“I don’t know.”

But, still, something didn’t seem right.

“Maybe it’s some kind of weird food poisoning? Can you get food poisoning?”

“Amethyst has been sick from food, but she just became physically ill. This is so strange.”

“I don’t know anything about how your—uh, body works. Is there anything that affects gems but not humans?”

Pearl tried to think, but it was difficult because her head was still spinning.

“Uh, the only thing I can think of is acid can react with the compounds in our gems to produce organic byproducts that are unusable by our physical forms, but I haven’t consumed any acid. I think I would know.”

Sheena knew she shouldn’t laugh, but she couldn’t hold it in.

“Shit, Pearl.” She pulled away so she could meet her bright eyes. “That salad had a vinaigrette on it. Vinaigrette has vinegar in it. And, that’s acid.”

“Oh.”

“What you just described is what happens when humans drink alcohol.”

“Huh?”

“Pearl. You’re drunk,” Sheena laughed.

The look on her face was unreadable. She groaned and covered her face with her hands.

If Garnet or Amethyst caught wind of this, she’d never live it down.

“Ugh, I’m so sorry.”

“What? Don’t be. You didn’t know.”

She sighed sharply, crossing her arms and looking away.

“I know, but I made a complete _fool_ of myself. And, I don’t need to give you an excuse to think badly of me.”

Sheena’s small smile faded and was replaced with furrowed eyebrows. “Pearl. I don’t think badly of you. Why would you think that?”

(Why would she think that? Why _wouldn’t_ she think that? Of course, she would assume she would think badly of her. It was so difficult to earn trust and so easy to throw it all away over silly mistakes. It had happened time and time again, and so, the very idea that she wouldn’t automatically hate her over one slip up was baffling.)

She wished she could just shut up.

“You’re so cool and beautiful, and I just—I’m neither of those things.”

That same weird expression that Sheena got at the bar returned.

“Pearl. You are cool. And you’re definitely beautiful. But, even if you weren’t, it doesn’t matter because I like _you_.”

A part of Pearl didn’t believe her.

(She always had to believe the worst because if she got her hopes up, they would only come crashing back down.)

“You’re not going to leave me, are you?”

“ _Pearl_.” Her large hands gripped Pearl’s small arms. “Why are you talking like this?”

She just shook her head. She wasn’t ready to tell her about the gem who left her alone to battle her demons, who told her they’d spend eternity together and then up and left.

The answer didn’t really matter. Sheena pulled her into her arms again and kissed the top of her head.

“Don’t worry, Pearl. I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon.”

 


	3. Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl has a hard time forgetting that she is a pearl.

Pearl never thought she would be interested in the tedious nature of human existence, but there was something about watching Sheena go about her day that was rewarding to Pearl.

She would sit on the edge of the tub and watch Sheena brush her teeth and wash her face. Pearl noticed that her sink had stains of pink on the white porcelain. It must have been from the goop that Steven said humans use to change their hair color. She made a mental note to scrub the sink later.

The act of pulling Sheena’s rather large t-shirt down over her head and the sensation of an arm snaking around her waist made Pearl feel like her insides itched with the incessant beating of butterfly wings. Her shirt hung off of Pearl, but it smelled like her, and it was nice. If she had a heart, it most definitely would have hammered at her chest.

Pearl would allow herself to be lead to bed, where they would talk in hushed voices about each other’s day and how they were doing. It would have been terribly boring with anyone else, but Pearl was positive there was nothing else she would rather be doing. 

But, as much as Pearl liked Sheena, she did not like sleeping.

It was definitely better to sleep with someone else nearby, especially with someone she more or less adored, but it didn’t always seem to calm her down. A few times, she had a pleasant, dreamless slumber. But, lately, her dreams (or more accurately, nightmares) had kept her awake.

She wasn’t saying Sheena was wrong, but for some reason, sleeping forced her to think about things she would rather not think about.

It wasn’t all bad. Staying awake all night and getting to “cuddle” Sheena was still nice. It was just incredibly lonely. And, often, she would move around too much and wake her. She was not a heavy sleeper. 

So, it was a bit of a problem.

“Why don’t you want to sleep?” Sheena had asked one night after being woken up by Pearl’s rather incessant tossing and turning.

Pearl shook her head, not sure what the human would like to hear. She couldn’t really tell the truth because Pearl was convinced she wouldn’t understand. She didn’t have to sleep, so she could choose not to. Sheena didn’t have that luxury. It seemed a little inconsiderate to talk about. 

(And, admitting that her dreams were so vivid and haunting that she couldn’t bear to acknowledge the scenes playing behind her eyes was more than a little embarrassing.)

“Sorry, I know I’m being a bother. I could always go in the other room.”

“No, cuddling is nice. You’ve just got too much energy for the middle of the night,” she half laughed, but it was obvious she was tired. 

( _Tired of me._ )

Sheena wrapped an arm around Pearl’s tiny waist and pulled her closer, giving her a small kiss.

“You just gotta relax. You’re always so tense, which sleeping would probably help you with.”

What part of ‘physical manifestation of light’ did she not understand?

“Okay,” Pearl relented. She would do anything to please Sheena.

(And, it didn’t even strike her as something to worry about.) 

But, it wasn’t fifteen minutes later that Pearl was flung into the scene that she often found herself reliving.

 

* * *

 

_They run. They run, run, run because they are outnumbered, and everyone knows it._

_Bright eyes watch with a certain terror as pink locks bounce in front of her. There are Jaspers everywhere and Pearl knows that if they don’t concede this battle that they will all be shattered._

_Things happen so quickly that she only remembers in still frames._

_A Jasper pops out in front of them._ _She raises an axe._

__Rose stops._ _

_“No!”_

_Pearl jumps in front of Rose._

_Rose grabs her forehead and tilts her head back, giant hand covering her gem._

_And then there’s nothing._

 

_…_

_She rushes her regeneration. She always does for her, after all. The only thought that runs through her gem is: “Must Protect Rose.”_

_(She does not stop to think: “Why didn’t she protect me?”)_

_She is once again in the middle of the battlefield, and her entire physical form aches because she didn’t spend the time thinking about putting herself together right. She was just thinking of Rose._

_(And that always ends so well.)_

_Pearl lets out a noise that is between and gasp and a whine. She wants to fall to the ground, to let herself be shattered because she is_ so exhausted _, but she can’t—not while Rose is still fighting for this planet. She won’t give up if Rose doesn’t._

 _She sees her, standing solemnly in her white dress, completely surrounded by Quartz soldiers. Pearl breaks out into a sprint, hand held out, reaching for her. Tears prick at her eyes._

_(She can’t stand to do this again, but she must, she must, she must. Rose is everything, Rose is the number-one priority, Pearl does not matter, Pearl owes her entire existence to the rebellion and the leader of the Crystal Gems.)_

_She sees another Jasper about to crush Rose, and it makes her entire body turn to ice._

_“Rose!!”_

_Pearl jumps in front of her, and she feels the axe slice her in two._

* * *

 

Pearl gasped, shooting up in bed. Her entire body felt much too warm and much too cold all at the same time. Fear did that to her. It made her feel ill.

(Seeing those moments replay in her mind transports her back in time, just as if she was experiencing them all over again.)

For a second, she just listened to her rattling breath, trying to get herself to calm down. Her body trembled slightly. It wasn’t like she needed to breathe, but sometimes it helped to center herself. 

“Pearl.”

Oh no. 

She forgot she wasn’t alone. To be fair, she hadn’t regularly slept alongside anyone in her entire life. It was taking a bit of time to get used to.

Pearl turned to catch her gaze, but she hadn’t expected the look of horror on Sheena’s face.

Her stomach twisted.

( _Please don’t leave me._ )

“W-What’s wrong?” Pearl asked in hushed tones. “Did I wake you again? I’m sorry. Are you mad?” She scuttled closer to Sheena, placing a hand on her shoulder in concern.

Something about what Pearl said made the girl suck a breath in. It was almost a gasp, but not quite. It was more like she had been holding her breath for too long. 

“What was that?” she asked quietly. 

“What was what?”

“You—” she took her hand and put it up to her forehead and then pushed it away towards the ceiling, “—you were projecting something. I could see—”

Pearl paled.

(But, it wasn’t fair—no one had told her that she produced holographic representations of her dreams before now. Dreaming meant she was unconscious, so how was she supposed to know?)

“Oh.”

It was obvious that Sheena was at a loss for words.

Pearl laid back down. Sheena followed suit. The gem wrapped her arms around the larger woman.

“Let’s just go back to sleep,” Pearl said.

Sheena hesitated.

“You aren't going to have a nightmare, are you?”

She tensed.

“Hopefully not.”

Luckily, she did not dream of Rose again. She slept dreamlessly. A part of her hoped that Sheena would just forget whatever she saw.

Hm.

 

* * *

 

It was a few days later that Pearl invited Sheena to the Temple. She figured if they were actually going to _date_ , she might as well meet Garnet, Amethyst, and Steven.

Sheena seemed ecstatic about the idea. Well, Pearl didn’t actually know, but she began to pick up on the fact that she would use more “emojis” the more excited she was about a certain topic. Pearl had not picked up on the appropriate social uses of emojis, considering she only found out about them in the last week or so.

Human technology is very strange and has so many useless features.

(Although, she couldn’t help but think that Rose would have loved the idea of tiny pictures that expressed ideas and human symbolism.) 

Pearl tried not to think too hard about it. She was already nervous about having Sheena meet the rest of her—well, her family. That’s what they were even though none of them were biologically related. The concept was not something that existed on Homeworld, but humans would naturally form small groups to protect one another. That was one of the things about humans that made sense to Pearl, considering they were weak and easily killed, especially the very young and the very old.

The reason Pearl was having so many extraneous thoughts was because she would rather think about anthropology than consider that Sheena might not like her friends, or might be scared of all the magic, or maybe, might just be distanced because the Crystal Gems were aliens, after all. 

The only wisp of confidence Pearl had lied in that fact that she had not scared her off yet, and that was a pretty large accomplishment.

She sat out on the deck and stared at the beach, wringing her hands nervously. She had cleaned the place from top to bottom about five times, and she had almost paced a hole in the floor, so she stared out at the ocean, trying to keep her mind blank.

It seemed like weeks before she spotted a glimpse of pink hair, but the sun had not set at all, so Pearl knew that it had only been a few hours or so. She should really invest in a clock of some sort. She had a very poor concept of time.

Pearl stood when she saw Sheena looking around, a bit confused. She waved down at her, and luckily, she looked up and spotted her.

The grin that spread across her face was almost enough for Pearl to forget she was nervous. When she made it to the top of the stairs, she threw her arms around Sheena, squeezing tight, but not tight enough to harm her human body. 

“Whoa, someone’s glad to see me,” she beamed.

Pearl released her a bit abruptly and shot her a pained smile.

“Sorry, it just feels like it’s been a while.”

“It’s only been, like, two days.”

(Oh no. Was that not a long time? Was she being too forward too quickly? Was she being clingy? Was she scaring her away?) 

“O-Oh…” 

“It’s no problem,” Sheena smiled, brushing her hand over the top of Pearl’s hair, leaning down, and giving her a peck on her gem. Pearl could tell that there was satisfaction in seeing turquoise paint her cheeks.

Pearl was about to say something else when she heard bounding footsteps.

“Pearl! Pearl! Is your date here?!”

“Yeaaah—where your Mystery Girl at?” 

They both turned their heads to see Steven and Amethyst miraculously appear at the screen of the door, eyes wide and excited. 

“Yes, _Sheena_ is here.”

Steven swung open the door. It was almost ripped off the hinges.

“I’m Steven, and this is Amethyst!”

Amethyst held up a hand. “Yo.”

Sheena was visibly shaken at the excitement coming from the two but only for a moment.

“Oh, yeah, I remember you guys. You were at the Mike Krol show.”

“Yep, that’s us!” Steven exclaimed, grinning widely. “Come in! We have snacks.” 

Pearl flinched. What kind of snacks could they have possibly made in such a short period of time?

She followed closely behind Sheena, peering around her, trying to see what kind of food had been prepared. She wasn’t going to eat it, of course, but she didn’t want to give Sheena food poisoning from poor food handling techniques.

Garnet was hovering over the snacks (just popcorn, pretzels, and toasted bread, thankfully), looking usually stoic.

“This is Garnet,” Steven said, grabbing a handful of popcorn.

“Nice to meet you,” Sheena said, holding out her hand. Garnet shook her hand softly (for Garnet), but Sheena was surprised at how strong her grip was and that her gem seemed to be on her hand, unlike Pearl’s.

“Pleasure.”

The temple had a heavy blanket of awkwardness over it, but Steven and Amethyst didn’t seem to notice.

“That jacket is rad,” Amethyst commented, pointing at the oversized denim jacket that Sheena wore. “Where’d ya get it?”

“Oh, thanks.” Sheena rolled up one of the sleeves. “I dunno, some thrift store in Empire City, I think.”

“Whoa, you used to live in Empire City?” Steven exclaimed, still munching on popcorn. 

“Uh, sort of. I used to be a promoter for a small record label, and I moved around a lot. I don’t usually stay in one place for long, but I’ve been doing more odd jobs and freelancing recently.” 

“Wow, that’s so cool,” Amethyst gushed, leaning onto the table. She was elbow deep in the pretzels. 

“I guess,” Sheena laughed. 

“No, honestly, I was surprised you even talked to Pearl. She’s such a fucking nerd sometimes I—”

“Amethyst,” Garnet snapped. “Language.”

Sheena’s eyes had drifted over to Pearl, who was tensed up next to her, arms folded tightly against her chest.

“Pearl is pretty cool herself,” she said, ruffling her peach hair with her hand. “I don’t think you give her enough credit.”

“Oh, yeah, Pearl is super cool! She's a real rebel,” Steven beamed. He wasn't wrong. She was a literal rebel.

Amethyst just rolled her eyes.

If Pearl weren’t afraid to scare Sheena away, she would have yelled at Amethyst for making her sound like a complete idiot in front of everyone, but instead, she just stood there and frowned. 

Noticing the change in atmosphere, Steven spoke up. “We should watch a movie!” It was hard to say no to the wild grin he had. And, after all, it was just a movie. 

“That sounds good to me,” Sheena said, turning to Pearl. “Is that what you want to do?”

Pearl smiled weakly. “Anything is fine with me.”

That was more or less a lie, and Sheena knew that, but something about the pained look in her eyes made her keep quiet. That was a conversation to have later.

 

* * *

 

They sat against the foot of Steven’s bed and all indulged in watching DogCopter 2.8: the First Prequel. Garnet and Pearl promised to keep their mouths shut because they could both predict the ending, even though only Garnet had Future Vision.

There was something calming yet maddening about having Sheena’s arm wrapped around her waist. It was nice because it was always nice, but now that there were eyes on her, eyes she knew and cared for, she felt a little uncomfortable. Maybe Sheena could tell, maybe not. Garnet could tell. Amethyst and Steven seemed absorbed with the movie, not giving any thought to the others.

Looking up at Sheena, Pearl noticed that she didn’t really seem to be watching the movie. Her eyes drifted past the screen. 

Pearl couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking about.

 

* * *

 

The movie was much too long and cartoonishly violent. Pearl would never say this to Steven, but she believed the creators were probably running out of ideas.

Regardless, Steven clicked the TV off once the credits stopped rolling.

“I’m kind of hungry,” he said. He looked at Amethyst, who always seemed to be on a similar wavelength as Steven.

“I could go for some donuts right now,” she agreed.

Pearl looked between them all, not sure if she was supposed to tag along or not. 

“Are you hungry?” Pearl asked Sheena.

“Not especially.”

“Me either. Obviously.”

That was when Garnet stood up.

“I’ll take them.” If Pearl didn’t know any better, she would have thought that it was almost like she was volunteering for a reason other than to get them donuts.

“Oh, okay, thank you,” Pearl squeaked out.

The promise of food always seemed to make the house clear out faster than Pearl could reasonably comprehend, but then again, Steven had been getting faster recently. Sheena and Pearl made their way down the stairs and retired to the couch. She noticed that Sheena had barely said anything since the movie started.

(There was something wrong.)

“Are you doing alright?” Pearl asked. Worry was present in her tone. She couldn’t help it. She didn’t want to mess this up, and the atmosphere of the entire day lead Pearl to believe that there was some issue looming over all of their heads.

Sheena let out a tired sigh. “Yeah, sorry.”

“O-Oh, no, why are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything.” She offered another smile.

(Did she look as sad as she felt?)

“It’s not—it’s not you,” she muttered, leaning forward so her elbows rested on her thighs. She didn’t look directly at her, which made Pearl nervous. “I’m just in my head. Sorry.”

Pearl swallowed. 

“A-Are you sure? If anything’s not to your liking, we can—oh, um, we could go somewhere else. Or we could meet the others at the Big Donut. Or, if you just don’t want to be around me, that’s okay, I understand—”

Sheena turned her head and met Pearl’s eyes. 

“Pearl, I said it wasn’t your fault, okay?” 

( _But, what if you’re lying?_ )

She was trying not to let fear creep into her mind, but

(she knew that she had done something wrong, that something wasn’t right, why did she have to always ruin everything, is this why Rose wanted nothing to do with her, is this why she always ended up alone—)

Pearl clenched her fists on her lap, looking down at the ground and pretending like her eyes didn’t burn. 

“Hey. You’re freaking.”

She didn’t look up even though it was obvious that Sheena was right.

“N-No, it’s okay. I’m being ridiculous.”

“ _Pearl_.”

Finally, she did look up, a nervous laugh cracking through her pained expression.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get so worked up over everything—”

( _I’m just so afraid you’ll leave._ )

Sheena turned so she could put a hand on her cheek. Her hand felt so warm. Humans were always so warm. It almost burned.

“I’m sorry I make everything about myself. I know you’re probably going through things, too, and I’m not trying to devalue your experience. I really am sorry—”

Sheena’s thumb brushed over her cheekbone, eyebrows knitting together.

“Pearl, you act like someone hurt you.”

She flinched away from her hand, her words feeling like physical pain. She had to breathe in sharply even though she didn’t have to breathe at all.

“N-No, it’s not like that.”

They didn’t talk for a while. Sheena was staring uneasily at the door, or, more aptly, the portrait above the door. Pearl had her head in her hands, doing her best to not cry. She didn’t want to cry again.

“She’s the woman from your dreams.”

The similarity of that expression to another human idiom made Pearl’s chest tighten. Her head snapped up, looking first at Sheena and then at the picture she was staring at. 

(That must have been what she was staring at during the movie.) 

“O-Oh, yes…”

She hadn’t forgotten. 

Dammit.

Both looked up at the picture, trying to figure out what to say. 

“Rose, right?” she mumbled. Pearl’s physical form practically disappeared right then.

“Y-Yes.”

“Pink hair.”

“Yes.”

“Steven’s mom?”

“Yes.” 

She was threading everything together, and it scared Pearl half to death.

( _Please don’t leave me._ )

“I promise; she has nothing to do with you!”

Pearl’s entire body had moved much closer to Sheena’s, petite hands clutching her arm as if she would disappear if Pearl didn’t hold her down. Emerald eyes looked down at her, and the concern was practically palpable. 

“Was that dream real?” 

Not what Pearl expected to hear. 

“What do you mean?”

“That dream you had. Was it a memory?” 

Pearl paused but then sighed in defeat. 

“Yes.”

Her hands fell back into her lap.

“So, you actually fought in a war.”

“Well, yes. I was not kidding when I said I saved your planet and your species.”

Sheena took in a deep breath and rubbed her forehead. She looked distressed, and Pearl couldn’t understand why. 

“Did you really let yourself die for her?”

Pearl tilted her head.

“I never died.”

“Well, you know what I mean—”

“I only lost my physical form occasionally, but we reform just fine with no lasting damage.”

“Well, that’s what I’m talking about.” Her hand came back down to rest on her lap. “It’s not really okay.” 

“I-I don’t—I’m sorry, I—”

“No, not you, Pearl.” Sheena pointed at the portrait above the door. “ _Her_. She shouldn’t have let you—uh, lose your physical form so much, or whatever. Like, she didn’t even seem to try to help. I just don’t get it.”

Pearl stared at Sheena with a muted look of terror.

“She did everything she could to protect the Earth. And, that meant sometimes, she couldn’t be there to protect me. That’s what happens during a war.” Her words were clinical, like she wasn’t being fully honest with herself.

“I also didn’t like how Amethyst talked about you.”

“Oh, well, we sometimes fight with each other. It’s not really a big deal, that’s just how Amethyst is. She doesn’t truly mean it.” Or, at least, she didn’t think so. “And, I am a bit of a, um, ‘nerd,’ so really, it's fine.”

“Who cares? Nerds are cute.” Sheena shrugged. “It just seemed to make you upset.”

“I don’t mind.”

Sheena’s face twisted up a bit.

“Do you do anything for yourself?”

“Huh?”

“I’m just saying, you're always so worried about how I feel or what I want to do, and you always apologize for literally nothing, and I’m kind of concerned.”

Pearl was looking at her with a mix of shame and confusion. She didn’t believe she was being selfless at all. In fact, she felt pretty selfish most of the time. There was always more she could be doing. After all, she was bound to screw something up, and Sheena would pick up and leave—just like everyone else.

“It's not really too surprising. Well, I guess you wouldn’t know about Pearls since you are a human.”

“What does that mean?” 

“Hm. I hope this doesn’t make you think any less of me.”

“ _Pearl_. What are you talking about?”

“My original purpose was to be—ornamental. Pearls served their owners. That was how it was on Homeworld,” Pearl explained, picking at the illusion of her nailbeds. “But, Rose taught me I could be whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to be devoted to only one gem.”

Sheena’s eyes drifted up to the portrait again. Something still didn’t add up.

“I guess, even though Rose set me free, I still ended up serving her like a pearl. It’s hard to go against what you were taught to be.”

She pulled Pearl close to her, arm wrapped around her slender shoulders. 

“I would never want you to feel like you had to be anything other than yourself.”

Pearl had to think about that for a second. (Sheena’s warmth was making it hard to think.) She wasn’t even sure what she wanted, honestly. She so desperately wanted to be loved that she hadn’t even considered what her own needs were.

“I’m not even sure what that would be.”

Sheena’s face made it seem like she was experiencing physical pain, but Pearl couldn’t tell why.

“A-Are you okay?”

Green eyes peered down again, almost hesitantly.

“Are _you_ okay?” 

Pearl seemed taken aback by the question. “Oh, yes, I think so.”

“I think it would be better if you didn’t worry about me so much.”

(She wasn’t even sure how she could do that.)

“I don’t know what was up with you and Rose, but I’m not her. And, I don’t want you to put me before yourself. That’s not what a good relationship is.”

The twinge in Pearl’s chest expanded. She knew things between her and Rose weren’t right, but she didn’t often think about it, at least not openly. She was fighting back tears again.

“I’m not sure if I know how to do that.”

Despite herself, a small smile curled onto Sheena’s face.

“Well, we can figure it out together.”

She leaned down and let her lips meet with Pearl’s. At first, Pearl seemed tense, but after a moment, she relaxed into Sheena’s arms, letting that comfort and that warmth overtake her. She wished the moment would last forever, but unfortunately, the door swung open. 

“Oh!”

They both shot apart, looking first at each other, and then the troop at the door. Steven held a bag of doughnuts loosely in his first, a look of suprise on his face. Amethyst and Garnet wore knowing smirks.

Pearl hid her glowing cheeks in her hands.

“Guess you guys are getting along,” Amethyst snickered.

“That’s putting it mildly,” Garnet muttered under her breath.

“We brought back doughnuts in case you wanted any,” Steven said uneasily. 

Sheena laughed, definitely not as embarrassed as Pearl was.

“I’ll take one.” She turned to Pearl and ruffled her hair affectionately. Pearl thought she might retract back into her gem due to sheer embarrassment.

 

* * *

 

As Sheena and Amethyst munched on donuts, chattering loudly, Garnet came over and sat with Pearl.

Pearl wasn’t thrilled.

“You knew that was going to happen, didn’t you?” she groaned, crossing her arms and looking at the larger gem sheepishly.

“It was a possibility. Although, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Sure.” 

When Pearl looked back over at Sheena, she was staring in her direction, a small smile on her face.

Pearl swallowed, a flush painting her body turquoise. She looked down at her hands, something she had been doing too much of that day.

After a moment, she looked up at Garnet again.

“Thank you.”

Garnet smiled sagely.  

“You’re welcome.”

This was not the first time in Pearl's long existence that she wished she could peer a little bit into the future. Maybe she wouldn't be so nervous.

Yeah, right.

 

 


	4. Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sheena is overworked, but she's making ends meet. That's all she can really do, at this point. At least now she has the time and the energy to take her girlfriend on dates. It's not like anything could get in the way of that, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, folks. Also, sorry if the next update takes a while. I'm doing NaNoWriMo, and it's already kicking my ass.

She woke up at 7:30 am to her blaring alarm. 

It wasn’t set to a radio station. She didn’t know which ones were which in Ocean Town. She had been out of the promoter game for too long. The thought made her feel a bit ill. She could just look up a station on her phone, but it didn’t feel right.

(Nothing about this town felt right.)

Her feet connected with the cold floor (she should get a carpet, she thought), and her routine began.

It had been hard to establish one at first. It hadn’t even been a year since she could barely get herself out of bed for any reason, could barely take care of a one-room apartment in Empire City. But, now, she showered almost every day, and she brushed her teeth twice a day, and she made breakfast before going into work.

She had told Pearl that she was “freelancing,” but that had been a bit of a lie. She worked at a coffee shop. It was family owned, the pay was alright, and she got tips. Couldn’t really beat a smidge of stability when she was used to wondering whether or not she would have enough for food at the end of the month. Now, she could pay rent, eat normally, and pay for dates without breaking too much of a sweat. 

Sheena splashed water on her face and looked at her reflection in the mirror. Was this how she expected her life to turn out?

Not really. But, it was something. 

_Beep, beep!_

The last thing she expected was to be dating an alien space rock.

She looked over at her cellphone, which rested on the window sill. 

[ _Pearl: Good morning._ ]

A smile flashed on her face. She typed back quickly.

[ _Morning. How are you?_ ]

[ _Pearl: Quite alright. I just baked some muffins for Steven and Amethyst. How are you?_ ]

Now, that was a question. She had been better, but she also had certainly been worse. 

[ _Fine. Just getting ready for work_ ]

Sheena set her phone down, picking up her toothbrush with the other hand. She absentmindedly brushed her teeth.

She had been thinking about Pearl a lot lately. Not just Pearl, but how Pearl acted around her, too. She was worried about her, but that wasn’t really what bothered her.

 _Beep, beep!_  

She glanced over, peering at the screen, still brushing her teeth.

[ _Pearl: If you wanted to come over after work, that might be nice._ ] 

Sheena turned on the water, washed her mouth, and rinsed off her toothbrush. 

“Hm.”

She did want to see Pearl again, but she was so tired. She didn’t get off of work until ten or eleven, and Beach City was a good half hour away. The whole idea just seemed exhausting. 

[ _I work today and don’t get off until late. Maybe on Monday?_ ]

[ _Pearl: That’s fine. Hopefully, there won’t be a mission that day._ ]

Pearl had mentioned these ‘missions’ before but never really went into much detail. By the sound of it and the idea that Pearl had fought in a war, Sheena assumed it was a type of militaristic duty of some sort. She hadn’t bothered to ask because it hadn’t really come up.

She decided to let it slide. Especially since she was already late for work.

Grabbing a slice of toast, Sheena rushed out the door, ready to rot behind the register once again.

 

* * *

 

“Can I help whoever’s next?” she called out, pushing loose strands of pink hair underneath her cap. 

It was the morning rush, the worst part of the day. At least she had been assigned to register, so she wouldn’t have to burn herself on hot milk every five seconds. But, people were especially rude because they were in a hurry to get to work. It wasn’t like everyone else was in a hurry too, or anything. 

The mousy man with a briefcase stood in front of the register and said, “I’ll have a large coffee, extra cream—”

“ _Excuse_ me,” a middle-aged woman with her hair in a ponytail interrupted. “I’ve been waiting for five minutes, and I’m going to be late.”

“Sorry about that, miss,” Sheena smiled a fake smile. “We’re going as fast as we can. As you can see, it’s busy—”

“I don’t care how busy it is. I want my coffee!”

Sheena gritted her teeth, trying her best not to lash out at the lady even though she probably deserved a swift kick in the ass.

“We’ll have it right up, I assure you.”

She turned away and gave a sympathetic look to the man who had been trying to order.

“Sorry, sir. That’ll be two-fifty.”

“It’s fine.” He pulled his card out of his wallet, handing it over. “So, what’s a pretty girl like yourself doing at a rundown place like this? I’m sure you could make more money doing other things.” 

Sheena slid his card through the reader with a bit too much force. 

“Have a nice day, _sir._ ”

The man raised an eyebrow. 

“That’s no way to talk to a customer,” he grunted, snatching the card out of his hand. “I might have to talk to your manager.”

Sheena let out a heavy sigh. She could already tell it was going to be a long day.

 

* * *

 

She didn’t get home until 10:30, after all was said and done. She had escaped with a fistful of tips and only one reprimand from her boss, so things could have been worse. But, exhaustion still weighed on her like a ton of bricks.

Dropping her jacket on the back of a chair, she flopped on the couch. Sheena was not shy about what it meant to work hard, but there was something particularly soul-sucking about food service. The pay was okay, and she could have all the coffee she wanted, but the customers were horrible. They were all old and had a sense of entitlement about them that made Sheena wish she could aim some choice words at the soccer moms and the business men. 

She pulled out her phone, surprised to see many messages from her girlfriend. 

[ _Pearl: How is work?_ ] 

[ _Pearl: Hope you’re doing well. Don’t push yourself too hard. Humans need rest._ ]

[ _Pearl: Amethyst made the microwave explode…again._ ]

[ _Pearl: I swear; she loves to cause trouble. And messes._ ] 

[ _Pearl: Oh, it’s a good thing you weren’t able to come over because we had to fight a corrupted gem on the beach. I wouldn’t want you to get hurt._ ]

[ _Pearl: Sorry for texting you so much._ ]

Sheena smiled a sad, small smile at the messages. She hadn’t minded the number of them, it had just been busy the entire day, barely enough time to shove some food down her throat during her break.

[ _Hey sorry work was crazy. Sounds like you had an eventful day tho_ ]

[ _Pearl: Oh, yes! A lot happened today. How was work?_ ]

[ _Not great but I made money so_ ]

[ _Pearl: Ah, well, that’s good!_ ]

Sheena set her phone on the table next to her and let her eyes close. She heard her phone go off again but didn’t have the energy to reach for it. It wasn’t even a minute later that she dozed off, dreaming of steamed milk and dropped coffee mugs.

 

* * *

 

Monday rolled around slower than Sheena ever thought possible.

It was her first day off in nearly a week, and she mostly just wanted to sleep in—which, she did. She didn’t get up until noon, which was something considering she had been up at 7:30 am most days. There’s nothing quite as luxurious as having no alarm set.

It was nice. She could take her time getting ready, as opposed to the rush she usually was in when trying to get to work in one piece. The only plan she had for the day was to meet Pearl at the temple. They hadn’t exactly figured out what they were going to do yet, but relaxing on the shore sounded like the best case scenario.

With a little bit of makeup and a shirt that didn’t smell like burnt coffee beans, Sheena hopped on her bike and made her way into the city.

The trip itself was nice. It was far more relaxing to ride to where her girlfriend lived instead of the other option, which usually filled her with anxiety. In fact, the warm ocean breeze felt good on her skin, and the sun illuminated everything with vibrant colors, and if only she didn’t need money to have a place to live and food to eat.

The most rewarding sight in probably all the world was the way Pearl’s face lit up when she opened the door. 

(It really did make it all worth it.)

“Oh, Sheena, it feels like it’s been forever,” Pearl hummed, giving the larger woman a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. Sheena had to remind herself that Pearl wasn’t good with the whole time thing. She never seemed to grasp whether it had been two days or two weeks.

It didn’t bother her. If anything, it was kind of cute.

“I missed you, too,” she said, ruffling her peach hair affectionately. “It’s been a long week.”

“Oh, yes. I agree wholeheartedly. It seems like every time we get back to the temple there’s a new mission. Gems don’t get tired—not really—but, it is slightly taxing to be fighting so much.”

Sheena blinked. What kind of ‘missions’ were they going on, anyway? It sounded pretty intense. A lot crazier than making coffee for snobby Baby Boomers.

“I bet.”

Pearl seemed to get flustered, her fingers fidgeting with each other. “Well, c-come in. I actually have something for you.”

“Oh?” she said, stepping through the doorway. “And, what would that be?”

Pearl lead her over to the counter where they both sat down. The house seemed to be empty, unlike last time when the whole gang was there. Pearl also seemed a lot less nervous, which was always nice to see. Sheena was kind of worried that Pearl was overly nervous around her, but it seemed to be getting better over time. It filled her with hope.

(She knew how it felt to be worried about another person—to be scared that they secretly hated her.)

“I was just searching through some of the older artifacts Amethyst had been keeping in her mess of a room, and this reminded me of you.” Pearl reached to the gem in her forehead, and as it started to glow, she pulled out a piece of jewelry. She presented it to her in both hands.

When Sheena took it and inspected it closely, she realized it was really a nice piece. It was silver and had designs carved in it, and in the middle was a black pendant.

It was actually super fucking cool.

“Whoa,” Sheena breathed.

“I think it’s a bracelet from the 19th century if my memory is correct, which it always is. Amethyst must have picked it up and added it to her, um, _collection_.”

“And, you’re giving this to me?” 

“Well, of course. It’s not like I have any use for it, and Amethyst won’t notice that one of her things is missing. You’ve never seen her room, but it’s atrocious.”

“Guess I shouldn’t let you see what my room's looked like lately, then,” Sheena smirked.

“Oh, don’t worry. Yours couldn’t possibly ever look like hers. Unless you have access to an infinitely expanding magical room that you can cater to your tastes and personality.”

“Not for four hundred a month, I don’t.”

“I didn’t think so,” she smiled.

“Thanks for this, though. It’s pretty awesome.”

“It’s the least I could do. Sorry that I’ve been a little skittish as of late.” 

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I don’t mind.”

Pearl began to look uncomfortable again.

“I had never considered that learning to be in a relationship could be different than learning to be a singular individual.” 

That comment hit a little too close to home. Sheena cleared her throat and let her hand run through her thick pink hair. 

“Yeah, that’s definitely true.”

“I’m trying my best, though. I don’t want to ruin anything,” Pearl muttered, looking down at her hands. “Because I really like spending time with you.”

Sheena put on the bracelet and then took Pearl’s hand.

“Well, that’s good to hear because I really like spending time with you, too.”

Pearl smiled, that familiar aqua flush appearing on her pale skin. It was a nice moment, but unfortunately, that’s when Garnet warped into the temple.

“Pearl, we have another mission.”

“Again?” she all but whined. Usually, she didn’t mind missions, but it wasn’t often that she saw Sheena, and this all seemed incredibly unfair.

“Yes. Where’s Amethyst?” 

Probably sensing that there was a commotion in the temple, Amethyst emerged from her door. “Right here, G-Squad. What’s up?” 

“Corrupted gem on the ocean floor.”

“So, no Steven, then,” she said, picking at her teeth. 

“Not this time. Pearl, are you ready?”

Pearl frowned, turning to Sheena. “I’m sorry. Hopefully, it won’t be too long. We can do whatever you want after. I promise.” 

“Don’t worry about it. I get it. Duty calls,” Sheena smiled.

“Right,” she nodded before turning to Garnet. “Okay, let’s go.”

And, the three of them ran out the door and towards the ocean shore. 

(To tell the truth, she was a bit disappointed. She just wanted some time with her girlfriend, but she understood that this was Pearl’s “job,” or whatever. Even if it seemed a lot more important than anything Sheena would ever accomplish in her life. Not that it mattered or anything.) 

It was kind of weird that she was in Pearl’s house without Pearl there. She had only been there once before, and the last time had been a little strange. Also, it seemed to be a place where many people lived. Sheena was not entirely sure if it was just Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Steven that lived there, or if there were other magical beings she should know about. 

Almost as if on cue, Steven opened the screen door, looking a little spooked. 

“Hey, Sheena. Do you know where Pearl and Garnet and Amethyst were going?”

She smiled at the boy. He always seemed to look a little uncomfortable, even if he tried to act like everything was fine. Sheena could relate.

“Yeah, they’re doing some kind of mission in the ocean.” 

“Oh. They looked to be in a hurry, so I was wondering if something happened.”

“Not that I know of.”

Steven wandered over, opening the fridge and pulling out the ingredients to make, what Sheena guessed, was a sandwich. He set them all on the counter and began to assemble them.

(Why was this so awkward?)

“How are you?” he tried, putting mayonnaise on a slice of bread.

“I’m alright,” Sheena said. “Tired, but okay. How about you?”

“Good,” he said, laying slices of lunch meat down. “What are you tired from?”

“Oh, just my job, I guess.”

“What’s your job?” He was looking at her now, even though he was putting cheese on his sandwich now.

“I work at a coffee shop.”

“That sounds fun. Do you like coffee? That’s what you were getting when Pearl first saw you.” 

It was funny—he was trying very hard to make conversation. Sheena had to wonder why he was acting so weird. Had she done something wrong? 

“Coffee is alright. It’s more of a requirement than something I like at this point,” she joked. Steven gave a weak smile as he capped his sandwich with another slice of bread and headed to the fridge to put the rest of the food away.

Sheena sat on the stool and watched the boy.

“Steven, are you okay?”

 He stood up straight and closed the door to the fridge unceremoniously. He turned around and rubbed the back of his head.

“Me? Yeah! I’m great! Why do you ask?”

“You seem nervous.”

“Me? Nervous? No, I’m not n-nervous—what are you talking about?!” 

It seemed like he realized that his act was less than believable because his face fell soon after that. 

“Okay, sorry. I’m a little nervous.”

“Am I doing something wrong?” 

“No.” He wandered over, picked up his sandwich, and took a bite. “Sorry.”

Sheena leaned her elbows on the counter, chin propped up with her hands. She didn’t want to press the issue—nothing good ever came from it—but she also didn’t want to have any reason for Pearl not to trust her. And, since she seemed to be one of his guardians, being on Steven’s bad side would be—well, bad. 

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

He smiled weakly, almost like he was trying to formulate his thoughts.

And, then it came out:

“You just look like my mom.”

Sheena sucked in a breath.

She had been worried about that.

(Why was Steven’s mom—why was _Rose_ —such a big deal? And, why did everyone have to keep bringing her up in comparison to her?) 

“Oh.”

“I don’t mean it in a bad way!” His expression went from one of discomfort to one of concern. “You just remind me of her.” 

“Am I like her?”

“I don’t really know. I never met her. She gave up her physical form to have me.”

Something about ‘giving up her physical form’ rang a bell. Sheena felt like she should have remembered that Pearl had mentioned that before. 

“You have the same hair, though.”

(Her hair, _again_. It was such a _big deal_.) 

Her hair wasn’t a big deal. _Rose_ was a big deal.

(She could separate the two.)

“Pearl mentioned something like that.” 

“Yeah. I feel bad because I brought it up back at the Mike Krol concert. I thought Pearl knew, but then she was surprised that I said anything about it.” 

A question weighed on her mind, but she knew better than to ask this poor kid about it. He had already been through a lot. She could tell by the way he looked at her.

“It’s not your fault Steven. She obviously meant a lot to you guys.”

Steven smiled weakly. “Yeah. I wish I knew more about her.”

Sheena couldn’t help but think, ( _Yeah, so do I._ )

 


	5. Nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl gets hurt in battle. Sheena does not take it very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long. School was rough, but now I'm on winter break, so yay.

It was taking a while for Pearl to get back. Sheena was beginning to get a little nervous that something was going on. 

“Do missions usually take this long?”

Steven was playing video games, so he had to lean over to see Sheena sitting at the table down below. 

“Um, sometimes. It depends on how hard it is.”

The thought was a little harrowing. ( _Is Pearl in danger?/Is there anything I can do to help her?/No, probably not, she’s a magic space alien_.) She never thought about it before. If this was compulsory military service, she was putting her life on the line multiple times a week—sometimes multiple times a day. 

(It didn’t really make sense, but nothing really made sense surrounding the Gems. It was still difficult to wrap her head around the whole alien thing and Pearl fighting—whatever they were—other gems? No one had explained the whole thing to her before.) 

(She was worried.)

“Do you think they’ll be alright?”

Steven paused, eyes lingering between his game and the woman below.

“Yeah, they do this a lot. They can take care of it. I’ve only seen Pearl poof once.”

Poof? 

“What?”

“Um, I mean, lose her physical form.”

“Oh.”

She had heard that before.

“But, I wouldn’t be worried about it. The Gems are always fine!”

That seemed to be an overly optimistic statement, one that someone would make when they weren’t even sure themselves. Steven seemed to be on guard most of the time. Something told her that this little boy was always running away from something—always not letting himself think too hard. The idea put her on edge, even more so than before.

( _Something is wrong_.)

Sheena stood up (the stool made an ugly sound as the wood scraped against the floor) and made her way to the window. She peered out at the ocean—(it was pretty, but it didn’t really do anything for her)—and sighed, fingers picking at the bracelet on her wrist.

(She hated to admit that she didn’t quite believe that the Gems—that Pearl was always fine. She had seen the way that Pearl looked at her sometimes, and it made her wary. Eyes that are always glassy with tears aren’t normal. Sure, she seemed to be adjusting, to be getting better, but Sheena was beginning to believe that her presence was more of a hindrance than anything else.) 

For a moment, there seemed to be complete silence on the beach (not even the waves were crashing against the shore), and then, there was so much noise that it shocked both Steven and Sheena out of their respective musings.

Sheena covered her ears, the screech of _something_ piercing through the air, and she rushed to open the door. She looked out on the beach and saw that there was a giant crab that hadn’t been there a few seconds ago.

After a moment, three figures popped out of the water in a flash of black, purple, and pink.

Sheena’s eyes immediately fixated on Pearl, fear gripping her.

(Up on the deck, she was safe, but Pearl wasn’t. Pearl had to fight this _thing_. Pearl had to put her life in danger to protect the city.)

( ~~To protect her.~~ )

Garnet threw the first punch, a gauntlet landing straight in the crab’s giant, singular eye. The creature stumbled back but didn’t waste any time retaliating. It used its long, spider-like legs to knock all three of them off their feet. In a moment, the battle had shifted—now it was the Gem’s fight to lose.

In fact, the crab (which, Sheena could now see, had a green gem on its belly) seized this opportunity to reach out with its claws and grab Amethyst in one and Pearl in the other. Garnet hopped up and tried her best to force the crab to let them go. 

But, she wasn’t quite fast enough.

Two screams shot through the air, one low and rattling, the other high-pitched and piercing. The monster’s claws increased the pressure on the two bodies, and just like that, they disappeared into two puffs of air.

Sheena didn’t quite pay attention to the rest of the fight. She assumed that Garnet managed to defeat it because she did hear another inhuman shriek echo between her ears, but Sheena had already backed herself up back into the house, skin prickling and face flushing.

“Oh my God.”

The words tasted metallic and dull, like when she accidently split her lip or told a lie. She didn’t even really notice when Steven came rushing down from his place playing video games, panic on his face.

He asked what happened, but Sheena didn’t respond. Her wide eyes and shaking hands were probably enough of a hint.

Time seemed to move differently now, especially since Garnet came back so quickly (Was it quick? Was it physically possible to move fast when the air had turned into liquid panic?). She didn’t notice that she had fallen down until a big hand with a red gem was helping her back up.

“It’s alright, Sheena. Pearl will be fine.” 

Those words snapped her back into reality, but unfortunately, the first thing her eyes fixed on was the pearl nestled next to the amethyst in Garnet’s other hand.

(A pang of dread hit her in the chest.)

“Oh no,” she breathed. Her legs were shaky. They threatened to pull her back down to the floor. 

“Yeah, it’s fine!” Steven echoed, but the look in his eyes told her that it wasn’t fine, at least, not really. She realized that she had seen that look in him before—when he was talking about his dead mom—and this was just the icing on the cake.

Another pang struck her in the chest. 

( _Oh, yeah, you’re the one suffering the most. Right. Like Steven having his guardians get hurt isn’t worse._ Right.)

“Oh no,” she said again, almost without realizing. The words just seemed to tumble out. 

“Sheena,” Garnet began, putting her free hand on the woman’s shoulder, “It’s important to remember that Pearl only retracted into her gem to recreate her physical form. She is not dead. She will be fine. You don’t need to worry.”

“Right.” The word came out as a nervous laugh. She clearly did not quite believe Garnet. Steven could tell, his eyes flicking between the Gem and the Human.

“It’s just something that happens sometimes,” he added. “The first time I saw Pearl get poofed, I was really freaked out too. But, it’s just kind of something you get numb to.” His hollow laugh didn’t do much to calm the pounding in her chest. But, if it wasn’t really that big of a deal, she had to at least make an effort to appear to believe them.

She cleared her throat and put her hands in her pocket to hide that they were still shaking.

“Yeah, no, I get it. It’s just something to get used to, I guess.”

Although, she thought, getting used to destruction seemed to go against her better instincts. 

That was when Amethyst’s gem began to glow, rise up out of Garnet’s hand, and turn into a purple girl with a grey tank top.

“What did I miss?”

Sheena gaped at the Gem in a daze. Amethyst gaped right back. She seemed to be trying to figure out what her deal was—and then it clicked— 

“Oh, geez. You saw all that, didn’t you?”

She nodded.

(Garnet looked at her stoically. Steven looked at the floor.)

“Man, that sucks. But, Pearl won’t be gone forever. Just a few weeks.” 

“A _few weeks?_ ”

“Er, yeah. Pearl always takes her time when reforming.”

Sheena felt dizzy. She couldn’t steady her hands as she reached for her coat. 

“I’m gonna go,” she murmured, shuffling past three of the four Crystal Gems.

She didn’t hear Steven say goodbye. She didn’t hear the car honk at her as she drove her bike home too slowly. She didn’t hear the pounding bass of the too loud music coming from her neighbors below her.

She didn’t start to hear anything until a little voice in the back of her head said, ( _ ~~PEARL IS DEAD AND ITS YOUR FAULT~~_ ). 

That snapped her back into reality. She realized she was already lying in bed, motionlessly staring at the wall. 

It wasn’t her fault—she knew that—but something about the way her mind said it made her believe it was somewhat true. After all, (she could have stopped her/could have done something/could have not let her go/could have distracted the monster/could have asked Steven for help/could have/could have/could have—)

Sheena didn’t get much sleep that night.

 

* * *

 

She had been spending way too much time trying to get her eyeliner even, as of late.

She was good at makeup—at least, she hoped she was—but for some reason, her hands had been shakier lately. She noticed it when she spilled steamed milk on her shoes at work while making a latte. She had been doing her best to try to steady herself, but there was always a tiny bit of adrenaline in her, and it was enough to make her a nervous wreck. 

She was not too sure where it was coming from, but it was probably from seeing Pearl get the shit beaten out of her.

Sheena tried not to think about it too much, tried not to look at her phone (hoping to see a message), tried not to look at the silver bracelet that clung to her wrist. If she let herself think about it, she would remember that she ( ~~could have/could have/could have~~ ) and she would rather not think at all. 

The days were passing by in a blur. Never had she been so happy to have a mindlessly easy job—the same thing every day/the same customers/the same drinks/the same problems—so she could just go on autopilot. It was her preferred state of being because if she turned on her mind again, it immediately spun to ( _ ~~PEARL IS DEAD~~_ ), and she would rather not think at all.

One day, Steven tried to call her. She couldn’t pick up. The voicemail told her that Pearl still wasn’t back yet, and so she immediately tuned out his voice and deleted all evidence of the call. 

Even when she managed to get some sleep, it was always the same thing. She would always see Pearl getting hurt in a variety of ways, growing ever more gruesome and strange as the week wore on. 

She hated it. She hated it. She never used to be this way. 

Never had it been heart pounding, stomach churning, head spinning. It had always been an absence of feeling, an absence of caring, an absence of anything at all. This was new. This was the other extreme—caring far too much.

And, it wasn’t just because of Pearl. It couldn’t all be because of these circumstances. When her cat was sick and dying last year, she never had heart palpitations or dizzy spells. She was sad and numb, not anything like this.

Numbness was a comfort. She could only find solace when she made herself devoid of any emotion at all. She had started to drink more but went to the bar less. She didn’t want to talk to people, didn’t want to think about anything. Instead, Sheena turned on Netflix and poured a glass of whiskey and watched stupid TV shows until she passed out. The alarm would wake her up in the morning, and she’d get ready for work, but she had also begun to find it hard to stick to her routine. 

Shower? Eh, already showered two days ago, just put on more deodorant. Laundry? Nah, just find the shirt that has been worn the least. Breakfast? Not hungry, grab a muffin from work. 

To anyone else, Sheena would obviously appear to Have a Problem, but she couldn’t stop to think about it. She couldn’t stop to think about much because it all went back to Pearl, so she decided it would be best not to think at all.

 

* * *

 

It took Pearl eleven days to reform. Sheena wouldn’t have even known, but she received a text in the middle of the night, which woke her up.

She had fallen asleep on the couch (again), and so, when she was jolted awake by the notification, she almost knocked her computer off her lap.

Reaching for her phone, it said—

[Pearl: _I’m back! Sorry about that! Fights are rarely that rough. I hope I didn’t scare you!_ ]

Sheena stared at the screen for a solid five minutes, reading and rereading the message over and over again.

( _It’s fine, it’s alright, she’s back, she’s okay_ )

But, the ache in her chest didn’t go away.

Why did it not go away?

She pushed her laptop to the coffee table and stood, swaying a bit because of the remnants of alcohol. Why did she still feel like if she started to let her mind wander, she would break down into pieces?

Something happened that day. What happened (besides the obvious)?

Her breath hitched as she realized the difference between then and now was the bracelet. 

(Who knows where it came from? After all, it had a _gem_ on it. There could be an alien trapped inside this artifact, and no one would have even thought twice about it.)

Panic seized her, and she flung the silver and black jewelry off her, letting it crash to the floor. But, her hands didn’t stop shaking. In fact, they got noticeably more unsteady, realizing that the black gem had cracked when it hit the floor. 

She stumbled into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. Splashing water on her face didn’t do a whole lot to calm her down, nor did staring at her reflection in the mirror. She looked awful. Her skin looked dull, and her eyes looked dead, and her hair was greasy. Her knuckles turned white when she gripped harder at the sides of the sink. 

This reaction had to be caused by that bracelet, right?

( _Then it would have stopped when you took it off._ ) 

Her heartbeat pounded between her ears. 

( _You can blame whatever you want, it doesn’t matter._ ) 

It had to be something. It had to be _something_. 

( _But, at the end of the day, it’s your own damn fault._ )

And, just like that, the dam in her eyes broke. Tears plopped into the sink. They fell hot and heavy against white porcelain, her head dipped down so she didn’t have to look at herself in the mirror.

This probably had nothing to do with jewelry, or ancient gems, or anything. She had never been good at handling things, and this whole ordeal was proof of that. For whatever reason, she had always been more affected by trying events than other people. She just hated to believe it because it made it seem like it was her own fault.

(She didn’t want to add it to the list of things that were already her fault.)

Her phone vibrated in her pocket.

Against her better judgment, she pulled it out, staring at the brightly lit screen.

[Pearl: _Oh, I guess you would be asleep, now. Well, I just wanted to say that I missed you a lot, and I hope that we can meet up again soon. Maybe I could come to your place!_ ]

A sinking feeling mingled with the butterflies banging against the inside of her ribs.

Pearl deserved better than this—better than her. She deserved someone who wasn’t slowly falling apart at the seams. 

Even though she felt like she shouldn’t, she responded anyway. 

[ _I missed you too_ ] 

It was the only thing she could think to say that wasn’t a lie.

 


	6. Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They should probably work this out, shouldn't they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter took literally forever. I haven't had much inspiration lately so I've been dragging my feet with this one. I hope it's worth the wait lmao

She hadn’t been texting back as much, Pearl noted.

It wasn’t that big of a deal. She was busy. Her job was stressful. Pearl knew that.

And, anyway, it hadn’t even been two days since she reformed, and Pearl should really give herself some time to adjust to having a new physical form. It wasn’t that different—her hair was a little longer, and she gave herself sleeves, but she quite liked her old form, so she didn’t feel a need to change it that much.

But, she still felt a bit off. She hadn’t lost her physical form in a year, and that was after not losing it for a few decades. A part of her wondered if she was losing her edge, but she pushed the thought aside. That wasn’t possible. Gems don’t age the way humans do.

Even so, it was off-putting that her messages kept piling up, unread.

(Did she not like her anymore?) 

No, no. Couldn’t be. Nothing had really happened. She just lost her physical form, no big deal. Sheena knew her form was made of light, she knew that this was a possibility—

Pearl was beginning to grow frustrated. Arguing with herself was getting her nowhere.

But, still, her fingers itched to send another message. She knew it wouldn’t help, but—

[ _You’re not mad at me, are you?_ ]

She pressed the ‘send’ button with a heavy sigh.

This time, Pearl did get a reply back. 

[ _Sheena: No_ ]

The only thing she could do was smile a small, sad smile. 

At least, she wasn’t mad at her.

 

* * *

 

Pearl’s chest hurt. 

It wasn’t like she had a heart or anything, but if she did, she probably would have thought something was wrong with it. 

Going around and pretending her chest didn’t ache was probably making it worse. It was just a tight feeling, like her skin was stretched too far over her frame. Maybe she had reformed wrong. Maybe this was a physical abnormality.

But, of course, that wasn’t true. Pearl would have known if her body wasn’t right. She had screwed up plenty of times during the rebellion because she wanted to reform as quickly as possible, and well, this didn’t feel anything like that. This was something deep inside her abdomen that caused her to breathe heavy and shake when she wasn’t busy distracting herself with something else. Reforming wrong feels like your muscles are being shredded, like your bones are going to shatter. Physical pain.

This pain was emotional—unfortunately.

It wasn’t entirely unfamiliar. It was similar to when she first saw Greg and Rose together, a gnawing that made her feel ill. She hated it.

“Yo, P, what’re you looking at?”

Amethyst’s words woke her up from daze, causing her to almost drop the dish she was washing.

The gem turned and tried her best to feign normalcy.

“Oh, nothing really. Just thinking.”

“Right,” Amethyst said. “Y’know, you’ve been way too quiet lately. Sure nothing’s up?”

Pearl went back to scrubbing the plate with a sponge. 

“I’m sure, Amethyst.”

“’Kay, whatever.” 

It was one of those things that Pearl _wanted_ to talk about, but she wasn’t sure how to approach it. When she thought about it, memories of rejection and humiliation came back to her. The way they all laughed when she asserted she could sing just as well as Greg, the way Amethyst and Garnet would share glances every time she brought up Rose’s name, the way Steven looked at her in muted terror as she cried over his dead mother.

The idea almost made her drop the plate. 

But, Sheena and Rose were different. They were different. They were different. They were different, they were different—hadn’t she repeated it over and over in her mind until she was able to accept it? Maybe she still wasn’t quite there yet.

The common human idiom came to mind: “Time heals all wounds.” Pearl wasn’t so sure. She felt like the longer she ruminated on the situation, the more something was trying to scratch out from inside her.

Fortunately, instead of thinking about it, Pearl distracted herself the only way she knew how: doing chores. The problem with that was that there are only so many chores to do before it becomes redundant. The dishes had been cleaned twice already, and she had swept and polished the floor several times over. She even tried to organize Amethyst’s room, but she hadn’t made it very far before she found out and threw a fit.

Steven seemed to be the only saving grace because, just by existing, he created more chores to do. Today, Pearl was focused almost completely on laundry. 

It always amazed Pearl how many red shirts he could go through, but she couldn’t complain at the moment. Several loads meant several hours she didn’t have to fixate on her own problems, and she couldn’t have been more grateful. That was, at least, until Garnet caught on. 

Pearl was taking the second load of laundry out of the dryer when her voice caught her attention.

“You should talk to her.” 

“Hm?” 

Pearl turned away from the shirt she was folding and met Garnet’s visor.

“You should talk to Sheena.”

She fumbled nervously with the red cotton in her hands.

“What’s this all of a sudden?”

Garnet didn’t move. She just stood there with her arms crossed. Pearl folded the shirt and put it in the hamper.

“You were going to ask me for advice, anyway.” 

Pearl kind of hated Garnet’s future vision sometimes.

“Oh, was I? Hm,” she mumbled, grabbing another shirt from the dryer. “Well, I was going to talk to her. I’m just giving her some space is all.”

“I’m sure she feels as bad as you do.”

“How can you possibly know that?” Pearl asked, letting the shirt fall limp into the laundry basket and crossing her arms.

“I don’t. But, it’s hard on both parties when the person you like is distant.” 

Pearl frowned, turning away and pretending to be invested in the laundry again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she lied. “And, _I’m_ not the one being distant. But, I appreciate your concern.”

Garnet simply nodded, turned around, and took the platform back to the Temple. When she was gone, Pearl sighed, letting her head droop so her gaze was on the temple hand that held up the washer and dryer.

She hated to admit that Garnet was right, but Garnet was right more often than not. 

It didn’t mean she had to like her unprompted lecture—advice—whatever it was.

The problem was, Pearl had reached out on a few occasions. Sheena was the one who was blowing her off, and she didn’t want to appear annoying or clingy, which she had to admit was one of her biggest character flaws. But, it was possible that in an attempt to appear more level-headed, she had not been properly communicating with Sheena.

Pearl groaned. She thought that dealing with her own feelings was difficult, but figuring out someone else’s was somehow worse.

Something inside her chest still tugged uncomfortably.

(Unfortunately, she still cared.)

She was beginning to wonder if these feelings were actually worth it. They probably were, but it was difficult to justify at that point in time.

So, she decided that maybe she should just get it over with.

 

* * *

 

Sitting on the chair on the patio, Pearl stared at the phone and the unfinished message that stared back at her.

‘ _We need to talk_ ’ sounded too dire, Pearl decided. And, ‘ _hello, how are you doing?_ ’ sounded too impersonal. She had never really had problems with words before, but just a simple message seemed to be trying her communication skills.

“Really, you’re overthinking this,” she chided herself, a palm going to her forehead. It wasn’t the words, and she knew that. She was just worried about screwing up. 

Taking the device in her hands again, Pearl typed a new message.

[ _I’m sorry if I’ve been distant. I just wanted to see if you were doing alright. I think it would be best if we talked things out. Would it be easier if I came to Ocean Town?_ ] 

It wasn’t a good message, but it wasn’t completely terrible, either. She was just sick of staring at the screen. 

She pressed ‘ _send_.’

Pearl hadn’t been expecting her to answer quickly, so she jumped a bit when the phone vibrated on the table.

[ _Sheena: Yeah if you could. I have work in the morning but if you want to come down, I don’t have anything to do for the rest of the day_ ]

Well, she hadn’t expected things to move this fast. After going a week or so without so much as a few texts, she wanted them to meet up now? Pearl had not mentally prepared herself for such a thing. But, she would rather get this anvil off her chest now than to let it keep festering.

Pearl could only conclude that feelings are awful. 

[ _That’s fine! I can come now, if that’s okay._ ]

[ _Sheena:_ _Sure._ ]

She still sounded annoyed—or something—but this was at least progress. She couldn’t ask for much more.

 

* * *

 

Car rides are bad for getting stuck in your head, Pearl had concluded. Driving down the highway in Greg’s Dondai, her mind kept drifting to a particular pink haired lady—and it wasn’t the one that she was driving to meet. 

Ever since Sheena had come over to the temple, she had felt that something was getting in the way of—well—them. Before there needed to be active communication, everything was fun and easy. It all felt natural and seamless. But, that had disappeared at some point. Now it was effort, but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

The bad thing was Pearl was going to have to be honest, not just with Sheena, but also herself. She didn’t quite like that idea.

One of the ways that Pearl had learned how to survive in this world was to not think too hard about the inconvenient truths that peppered her life and continued existence, and the biggest inconvenient truth was, of course, that she very dearly loved a woman who did not love her back.

The thought made Pearl flinch.

It wasn’t like she didn’t “love” Pearl, but she didn’t love her in the same way that Pearl did. 

( _ ~~She took advantage of you.~~_ )

Her first thought was, no, that’s not true, but that had just been what she was telling herself for years.

The truth was…much harder to swallow.

In all honesty, Pearl could not believe that Rose did not know about her feelings. _Everyone_ knew. She was the butt of rude comments from Amethyst, and side-long glances from Garnet, and uncomfortable silences from Greg. Pearl's feelings were known and, honestly, considered a joke by the time it was clear that Greg was not just a phase. There is no way that Rose did not know. There is no way. 

So, that begs the question: why didn’t Rose just tell Pearl that she was not interested in that sort of relationship?

Well, Pearl thought, it was convenient for her not to.

What better way to get a comrade to do anything for you than to let her believe that it will result in love?

The thought seemed too harsh to Pearl. Rose didn’t do it intentionally (probably), and she really was a good person (probably), and the idea that she would purposefully lead her on for her own benefit seemed woefully out of character for the Rose that Pearl perceived in her own mind. But, she had to admit that her perception may have been altered by rose-colored glasses, pun intended.

Whether or not Rose _meant_ to hurt her or not really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. The fact of the matter is that Pearl was hurt by Rose, and that pain had driven a wedge between Pearl and anyone trying to get close to her, romantic or otherwise.

That was the problem, wasn’t it? Pearl could not fully trust people because she believed they would eventually hurt her.

(And, that was just on Pearl’s end. Who knows what Sheena’s issues are?)

She sighed loudly. Her insides felt twisted up. She wished it wasn’t so dark because the night felt like it was crawling into her chest.

Even though she only had to drive a few more miles, Pearl could feel her resolve dwindling, but there wasn’t anything to do about it. She couldn’t turn back now. She needed to do this. She needed to work it out.

Unfortunately.

 

* * *

 

She parked in the lot labeled ‘Beach 6.’ The car door slamming and the lock clicking sounded unnecessarily loud against the silence of a beach at night. Pearl tried not to think too hard about the impending conversation because it would only make her flustered, and that would be worse. 

So, Pearl walked silently from the parking lot, past a line of trees, and onto the beach.

She was standing there on the sand, pink hair in a tousled mess on top of her head. Pearl thought she was going to be just fine until Sheena turned and caught her eyes.

If she had looked sad, Pearl would have been able to handle it. If she looked angry, Pearl would have been able to handle it—but, the expression on Sheena’s face was one of _guilt_. It was so out of place that Pearl felt something within her flip upside down. If she had bothered to fashion a GI tract since her recent reformation, she might have thought that she was going to be physically sick.

Almost as if Sheena had read her mind, she shot her a meek smile. It still didn’t look right on her, but it was better than before. 

Hesitantly, Pearl put one foot in front of the other, closing the distance between them in a trance-like state. She was trying not to overthink it, but (she looked so cute in her black tank top and maroon leggings, a grey cardigan tied around her waist) and (the messy bun on top of her head was probably just tossed up there, but it was so perfectly in disarray that Pearl could only find it charming). The only thing that was objectively not fitting was the way her eyes flitted between the water and the sky. 

Pearl realized that this was the first time that Sheena had outwardly appeared uncomfortable in front of her.

Sure, she had been confused, sad, concerned, drunk, but never visibly _uncomfortable_. Pearl was supposed to be the one who was unsure. Sheena had always been the solid one, the one who had her life put together. Why was their narrative being flipped on its head? 

(Dread was pooling inside Pearl’s body.)

“Hey.”

For not the first time that day, Pearl felt herself be pulled from the fog of her own mind to face reality.

Sheena looked down at her, that same off-putting smile on her face. 

“Hello.”

The silence that ensued was so uncomfortable, Pearl, for a split second, entertained the notion of turning and running away as fast as she could. But, she knew she couldn’t do it. That would have been the worst thing to do.

“Wanna sit?”

Pearl tilted her head.

“Um—”

“You just look uncomfortable.”

 _She_ looked uncomfortable? Pearl was tempted to tell her to look in the mirror, but she bit her tongue.

“Alright, if you insist.”

They both sat down, Sheena’s fingers sinking into the sand while Pearl’s laced patiently in her lap. The only sound around them was the water hitting the shore and the call of seagulls from the parking lot behind them. 

“Sorry.”

Pearl turned her head. Sheena’s profile was looking guilty again.

“Sorry? What are you apologizing for? You didn’t do anything.”

“You can’t act like you didn’t notice.”

“Notice what?” Pearl couldn’t help but let her tone sound exasperated.

“I’ve been kind of avoiding you.”

She couldn’t help but visibly deflate at her words. Well, yes, of course, she had _noticed_. But, putting it like that felt like a slap in the face. Her chest was starting to ache again. 

“I-It’s fine! I understand if you need some space. I know I can be a tad ‘clingy,’ as Amethyst would put it, and I wouldn’t want you to become anxious because of me—”

“It’s not you, Pearl. It’s me.”

Isn’t that what humans say when they want to break up? Even if that wasn’t what she meant, it felt like a punch to the gut. 

“What do you mean?”

Sheena sighed in the way that humans sigh over a pile of papers falling onto the floor or a glass of water spilling on the counter. Pearl couldn’t help but immediately wonder what she did wrong and what she could do to fix it.

“I’m saying, it’s my fault. You didn’t do anything. _I’m_ the one freaking out.”

Pearl leaned forward in an attempt to try make eye contact, but Sheena’s gaze was distant.

“W-Well, how can I help to make it better?” 

“I don’t know if you can.”

“Alright,” Pearl said, sitting up straight again. “Even if I can’t help directly, I would like to be around so I can offer support.”

Sheena nodded, her face strangely inexpressive.

Pearl twiddled her thumbs in an attempt to distract herself from the strange atmosphere. It didn’t help that she had already been nervous coming into the encounter, but Sheena’s reactions only made it worse. She really wished she would just be honest with her. She knew it was a tad hypocritical because Pearl hadn’t been entirely honest herself, but it wasn’t like she couldn’t start now.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said that one time. About Rose not treating me so well.”

Sheena let her eyes wander from the water to Pearl’s pensive face beside her.

“Yeah?”

“Yes. And, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not fair that I wasn’t telling you the whole story.”

Pearl could sense Sheena’s nervous energy, but she had already decided that this is what she wanted to do.

“I-I don’t know if I want to hear it.”

This made her look at Sheena and made her realize that she was turning away from her again.

“What? Why not?" 

Where to start?

“I don’t know.”

“You can tell me if something is wrong, you know.”

“I know.”

The silence that hung over them made Pearl shiver. If Sheena wasn’t going to talk, then Pearl would just have to do it for her.

“I’ve been trying to be more honest with myself about my feelings. I realized I was pushing a lot aside, and it hasn’t been doing me any favors.”

“Right.”

“And, I wanted to know why I felt so nervous about us. I know there’s no reason to be, but I was constantly convinced you’d leave when you found out how I really was—”

Sheena’s head snapped to look at her.

“Why would you think that?” 

“I-It’s not anything you’ve been doing.” Pearl paused for a moment in an attempt to increase her resolve. “I want to tell you about me and Rose. I swear it's related,” she said, more firmly this time.

Sheena sighed, her eyes drifting to the ground.

“I guess, if you think that’s what you need to do, you should.”

Pearl sighed. Hers was more contented than Sheena’s.

“Well, I had explained before about how pearls were ornamental. And, that is true—Homeworld has a very strict class system. Pearls are not seen as their own people. They are closer to being slaves in that respect, but I have to say, when I did serve Homeworld, I never felt like I was being held against my will or felt disposable in any way. Maybe because I served a very—well—a _very_ important and high ranking gem. I had never even considered the idea of rebelling because it wasn’t possible. The thought had never entered my mind.

“But, Rose—I met Rose during a briefing about a new colony—the Earth. And, I’m not sure why I was allowed to listen to the way Rose described life on that planet, but she said she saw something in me as she was speaking, and that’s why she told me about her idea to start fighting back against the colonization of this planet. She told me that I could be whatever I wanted to be, and that she believed in _me_ specifically. It was the first time anyone had said something so poignant and inspiring, and it was directed at _me_. 

“I decided to join her cause. And, everyone thought I was so frightening because I was the first pearl who ever thought for herself and acted violently outside of the framework of Homeworld’s system. So, as you can probably imagine, I felt indebted to Rose. She gave me freedom. And, I told her that I would, quite literally, follow her to the ends of the Earth because of that.” 

Sheena interrupted her at this point.

“Did you love her?”

“I did. I may still. I’m not sure,” Pearl said. “But, back then, I couldn’t separate the idea that I served her and also felt romantically attracted to her. They seemed like the same feeling. And, to be completely honest, Rose didn’t exactly do anything to try to separate them. She never told me to stop. She never said that I was being too much. So, I believed she felt the same way. In retrospect, it’s obvious that she didn’t quite care about me the way I cared about her. I should have known, but I didn’t know. We won the war, we kept the planet safe, we lived here for 5,000 years, and I thought she loved me back. 

“But, then there was Greg. And, she really loved him. I know she did. I tried to pretend like she didn’t, but everyone could tell. And, then, she left. I thought for a long time that it was my fault, that something was wrong with me. Sometimes, it's still difficult for me to believe that I'm worth loving at all. Rose made it very difficult for me to trust other people.”

Pearl gazed wistfully out at the ocean of Ocean Town, and for once, she didn’t feel sick after her name left her mouth. Did that mean she was getting over her?

“That…sucks,” Sheena muttered.

Pearl turned to her, looking far more concerned than she did a second ago. 

“It’s not fun, but it’s a part of me. I can’t pretend it never happened.”

Because the truth was, Sheena was so important to her. The happiness she felt when they were together was unmatched—it was even different than she felt with Rose. With Rose, she felt panicked, like she was always trying to impress her, always trying to pull her closer when she distanced herself. It was painful, and if she really thought about it, she was sadder back then.

But, Sheena was always a breath of fresh air, always exciting, and sure, sometimes she felt anxious, but isn’t that part of being in a relationship? It’s new territory. Of course, it’s going to be a bit scary. But, it was all worth it when Sheena would hug her and tell her how great she thought she was. Rose never did that—at least, not in the same way. 

So, Pearl had decided that she was going to do whatever she could to make it work.

“And, if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have met you.”

Green eyes met blue, and for a second, it felt like the world stopped for just the two of them.

“Pearl—”

“You mean so much to me, Sheena. You really do.”

That was when Pearl found herself pressed against the other girl’s chest, strong arms crushing the two together. It was a good thing Pearl didn’t need to breathe. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry—” 

If Pearl didn’t know any better, she would have thought Sheena was crying. 

“You don’t have to be sorry. I want to be here for you.”

Their embrace lasted a while. It seemed like Sheena was trying to collect herself. But, eventually, she released the smaller woman, and her fingers went back into the sand. At first, there was just another pause, but then, Sheena sniffed and cleared her throat.

“I got freaked out when I saw you die.”

“But, I didn’t die—”

Sheena waved her hand around. “Yeah, yeah, I know, ‘lose your physical form.’ I don’t know. I _knew_ that you’d be fine, but it still threw me for a loop. I don’t know. I tried not to think about it too much, and it just made it worse.” With another sigh, she added, “I was just afraid that you would just be gone, I guess. I don’t know.” 

“Well, I’m here now, aren’t I?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going to up and disappear.” 

“I know. I just get anxious about stuff, and then, I can’t stop thinking about it, and it makes me sad, I guess.”

“I understand the feeling. The same thing happens to me sometimes. I don’t really know how to fix it, but the least I can do is be there for you when it happens. We can help each other.”

Pearl scooted closer to Sheena, so their hips touched, and she rested her head on the girl’s shoulder. It was nice for the both of them, especially since, just a few minutes ago, the air around them had been so toxic. Sheena couldn’t help but let herself relax. Pearl’s proximity had a calming effect. The way her peach hair fanned out as it pressed against her skin filled her with a warmth that had previously been pushed out by anxiety and sadness. 

(It reminded her why she liked her so much in the first place.) 

They both closed their eyes, listening to the waves brush up against the shore. It was calming, and Pearl might have fallen asleep if it wasn’t for Sheena’s voice breaking through again.

“Thanks.”

“Hmm? For what?”

“Telling me about all that stuff.”

“Oh, it’s fine. I just felt like it was necessary.”

“I’m just glad you trust me enough.”

“Of course. I have no reason not to trust you.”

“Right.” 

Pearl lifted her head and looked at Sheena. Sheena looked back. 

“I wouldn’t want to lose you because of my past. I want to be with you.”

Sheena smiled a big, goofy smile.

“I want to be with you, too.”

When Pearl let Sheena's lips linger on her gem, it felt much more like they belonged right where they were, right in that moment. And, Pearl honestly couldn’t think of another place she would rather be.

 


End file.
